People Skills
by thechokesonyou
Summary: (Classic Joker, TDK Bruce, imagine Harley as you may.) Joker hears a rumor that Bruce's company, Wayne Tech is supplying Batman with his gadgets. What's a clown to do other than kidnap Bruce and torture the information out of him?
1. Chapter 1

The restaurant was full on a Saturday night, just as expected. The Wasteland was rated five-stars across the board, known for perfect steaks, the most expensive booze and a romantic view over the heart of Gotham. The elevator ride up to the eighteenth floor was shaky and Harley could feel it wobbling, as old as it was. "Mistah J, you know heights make me kinda woozy… Why'd we have to go to _this_ restaurant? There's other steakhouses…"

He grabbed her arm with gloved fingers, the nails digging into her skin even through the thick material. The Joker yanked her into his side and she squeaked quietly, cringing. "It isn't about the _steak,_ my dear," He growled with a forced smile, his nose inches from hers. She quaked in fear, eyes widening. "Haven't I explained this to you?"

"Puddin, you never explain your plans to me," She murmured, giving a small smile to ease the tension.

He paused, pursing his lips. "You make a good point, kiddo. Ha, ha!" He gave her a big kiss on the top of her head and she grinned, genuine pleasure overtaking her. "I suppose you're about to see what all the fuss is about!" The elevator dinged when they reached their destination and the Joker ushered his clowns towards the doors. Just as the old metal began to peel open, the first clown tossed a small smoke grenade into the front room. Multiple sets of coughing erupted and Harley flashed her boyfriend a grin before shoving through the henchmen and doing a sudden cartwheel into the smoky room.

Joker held back, leaning against the wall, listening to Harley's, "Ha! Umf! Take that!" as the smoke cleared. When they could finally see, he smiled. His little harlequin was holding her baseball bat over her shoulder, a splatter of blood gracing the right side of her face. She looked adorable.

"Perfect job, Pooh!"

"Hehe," She giggled, perking up under his praise.

"Was that smoke?" A muted voice said from the room beside them. "Is something burning?" The moment the two waiters in black and white turned the corner, Harley swung her bat, bashing the first in the nose, spattering herself with blood. The nearest henchmen shot the other man in the same second, his silencer making the shot nothing more than a small _pew_.

"Remember. No calls leave this building. No tweets, no texts, no yaks, no Tinder messages. We're doing this quiet and quick. I don't want to deal with you-know-who _just_ yet."

"You got it, boss. The disruptor is almost up. It'll black out every phone on the block."

The Joker laughed, quiet and pleased with himself. " _Wonder_ ful." A faint beeping began as a red light flashed on the portable disruptor. The henchmen smiled, his eyes pulling up at the corners.

"We're good to go, Joker. Lead the way."

"I always do," He murmured.

Harley smiled at her boyfriend lovingly, watching him adjust the buttons on his sleeves before stepping into the restaurant with one long stride. "Ladies and gents! Good to see you tonight!" Gasps rang out throughout the room, a cry here and there just at the sight of the Joker. Chairs scraped as a few men stood up, stepping in front of their wives and children to protect them as the mother's cradled their little heads in their arms. Joker's wicked grin grew as he scanned the room. "You'll be happy to know all your devices are currently disabled. Feel free to jump out the window, though, if you'd like…" A couple heads turned to look at his offer, immediately turning pale. They had two options. Stay here, with the Joker? Or jump to their quick, painless deaths?

"Oh, come on, ya pussies! We aren't here for ya," Harley shouted, taking her rightful place at the Joker's side.

"As Harley said… You're not important to me. I'm here for one man and one man only…" His eyes glazed over as he looked through the crowd. When he saw his target slowly inching towards the wall, he laughed. Bruce Wayne was heading towards the corner, either trying to escape or hide. "Get him, boys."

Three of his henchmen ran to the other side of the room, their guns clicking and clacking as they jogged. Bruce scowled, not even acknowledging the henchmen, and instead staring straight at the Joker. _Ballsy, for a pretty boy._ He could see Bruce struggling as his clowns held him back by his arms. It almost looked as if he was going to fight back. A Wayne, a fighter? Funny story.

A soft whimper snapped the Joker out of his thoughts and he turned in the direction of the noise. The little girl peeking around his daddy's leg had a few measly tears dripping down her rosy cheeks. How cute. Joker cocked his head to the side and approached her slowly. More gasps, the room holding their breath as he walked towards her. He knelt down on one purple-clad knee and smiled a kind smile at the child. "What's your name, cupcake?"

"Don't talk to her," The dad hissed, sweat lining his brow. At the same time, three goons lifted their guns in sync, pointing them straight at the father. He swallowed, his adam's apple bobbing. The Joker clicked his tongue and waved the guns away.

"Now, now, we don't need any of that. I just want to talk to her. Come here, sweetie," He cooed again, curling a gloved finger. The father was panting, afraid, but the mother rested a gentle hand on his arm. He relaxed slightly and nodded at his daughter.

"I want to stay right here," She whispered, her voice carrying a bit of a lisp.

"Gasp! Are you missing a tooth?"

She looked at her father for approval before nodding at the Joker.

"Well, goodness me. You know there's nothing better than a beautiful smile. Why don't you let uncle Joker see yours?" He sighed when she hesitated. "What's your name?"

"Sophia," She murmured.

"Sophia… Do I look like I want to hurt you?" He asked. She still was scared but she side-stepped her father and came close enough for the Joker to see her missing front tooth. He laughed in delight! "Look at you! Already getting your big-girl teeth! _Very_ impressive."

The tiniest smile appeared on her face, her cheeks blushing. "Really?"

"Really, really," He said, and held out his hand again, beckoning her forwards. "Do you like flowers, Sophia?"

"Yes."

"Do you see mine? Pretty, isn't it?"

"Uh-huh."

"You can have a smell if you come closer."

Across the room, Harley sighed, resting her head against the doorframe. She smiled dreamily at her boyfriend before softly saying, "He's so good with kids." Both the henchmen next to her turned to stare at her with expressions of disbelief. "What?" Before they turned their heads again, Sophia let loose a wild shriek and as the three looked back, her face was buried in his chest, acid spraying out in a thick cloud around her. He laughed maniacally as her parents began to sob, screaming her name. Before she stopped writhing, he pushed her away and her small body fell to the floor, limp. The entirety of her face was a red, blotchy disaster.

"Alright, team, head out!" The men continued to train their guns on the civilians except for the few holding Bruce Wayne back with all their might. He was really struggling now, teeth clenched, eyes fuming. "Oh, and by the way," The Joker said, leaning in towards the father who was now cradling his unconscious daughter in his lap, his tears dripping onto her destroyed flesh. "It's better for her to go through this now… Reconstructive surgery will be _much_ more expensive when she's older. More skin and all that. Toodles!" The crew piled into the elevator and Joker looked at Bruce in the eye, smirking. "You know, you look different in person." The Joker's cane crashed into Bruce's temple and he fell limp in the clown's arms.

 _ **Hello, everyone! I was really proud of this piece, and while I don't see it becoming a novel or anything, I do plan to pop out a few more chapters. I'm assuming this will end up being 3-5, at most. Obviously, this is Classic Joker. I'm sure you all can tell by dialogue and such. Hopefully I'll update soon. Can't wait to hear from you guys!**_

 _ **\- Chokes**_


	2. Chapter 2

"So, what are we gonna do with him?" Harley asked, looming over the groggy figure of Gotham's most eligible bachelor. She'd never seen him in person before. His body rolled on the ground of the van.

" _We_ aren't going to do a thing." He flashed a snarky grin at her. "A little birdie told me that Bruce-y Boy's company is who supplied the Bat with his toys. I'm going to find out if that's true or not."

"What'll that do?"

"What'll it do?" The Joker asked, outraged. "It gives us everything! I could shut the lunatic down, if I wanted! No more batarang production? No more repairs on the Batmobile? Ha! Life would be so easy."

She raised a finger and said, "You could also find out who Bats is?"

With a calm growl, he muttered, "I don't want to know who he is."

Bruce Wayne sputtered, a little bit of bubbly blood jumping from his lips. He was laughing. "Hey!" Harley's foot jumped out and kicked him in the ribs. "What are you laughing at?"

"You think _I,_ the most influential man in Gotham… Would help support that crazy person? I'm a friend of this cities, not a foe." Joker watched his spiel with a raised eyebrow. He bent onto one knee and raised Wayne's head with a single finger beneath the chin. _That chin…_

"I'm sure our local government _really_ appreciates all the parties and the trail of semen you leave behind you." He patted his head and Bruce scowled, not meeting the clown's piercing gaze. "What are you hiding, little Bruce?"

"You're a psychopath."

The Joker stopped, looked at Harley with a funny look and then back down at Wayne. "You say that as if I don't already know it," He said kindly, grabbing Bruce by the jaw and pinching his cheeks like a baby. The car lurched around a corner and Joker let go of Bruce to lean against the wall, his thin, tall frame looming over him menacingly.

Harley sat down beside him, crossing her legs and leaned forward, resting her head in her hands. She was studying his face closely, narrowing her big eyes. Bruce glared at her, wiping the blood from his mouth slowly. He seemed uncomfortable, not wanting her eyes on him for too long. "Ya know, buddy," she said thoughtfully, "You're cuter on TV."

Joker scowled at her and she squeaked, blushing. But then he rested his hands on his knees and peered down at Bruce curiously. "Actually, I think you may be right, Pooh! Ha! Something about the hair… Or maybe the cheek bones."

"His jaw is nice."

"Sharp enough to cut a man," Joker said with a laugh.

"It'd be fun to watch it break," Harley said, her lips curling up into a grin. Bruce scowled at her.

Joker doubled over in laughter. "That's my girl!" The van started to ease to a stop, and Joker began to compose himself, though still smiling. "Looks like we're _home_ ," The Joker muttered to himself. He tossed a dirty rag to Harley. "Blindfold him and bring him inside, Harley girl. I've got a metal hanger and a gas stove waiting for him…" Harley nodded and began to tie it around Bruce's head, humming a little as she did so. The Joker opened the doors and hopped out onto the pavement, water splashing up from a puddle he'd landed in. Harley coaxed Bruce up and lead him to the exit where two goons were waiting to escort him.

Once they were inside and their victim was tied to a metal folding chair, Joker came back in the room, sans coat and rubbed his hands together. "So! Here's the dealio, Brucey. All I need is cooperation, and answers."

"What is your plan?" Bruce demanded, still blindfolded. "Even if I were to admit to this ridiculous accusation, what would you do? How would this benefit you?"

Joker pursed his lips and glanced at Harley, his goons, and then back at Bruce. "It'll be fun." Then he laughed. "Imagine…" His arm fell around Bruce's shoulders and he used his other hand to gesture off into the distance. "Every time the Bat goes to get a new toy or upgrade, BAM! A bomb explodes. Or it falls apart in his hand. Or… A whoopie cushion is in his seat. The possibilities are endless."

"And you think he wouldn't have a back-up plan?"

"Of course he does," Joker sneered. "What fun would it be if he didn't? There'd be no challenge."

"The Batman could still kick your ass without any help."

Joker dug his nails into Bruce's neck and growled into his ear, "You shouldn't underestimate what _crazy_ can be capable of."

"Maybe you're not crazy," Bruce snapped, jerking away from the Joker's hold. "Maybe you just like the attention." A harsh back hand flew into Bruce's cheek, making his head turn sharply to the side. He chuckled. "That hit a nerve, I suppose."

"

I want access to all your information on the Batman," He hissed down at Wayne. "I want to know everyone who sees, builds, and _knows_ about this _entire_ operation. Do you understand?" His voice dropped to a low octave that made Harley shiver from across the room.

"I can take whatever you throw at me, Joker."

"I'll believe it when I see it." The Joker left the room with a jerky stride, leaving Bruce, Harley and two of their clowns to stare each other down. Bruce glared at Harley as she studied him. There was still something about that face that made her uneasy. She wasn't sure if it was just the knowledge that she was meeting the most famous man in Gotham (other than her Puddin', of course), or if there was something else she wasn't picking up on. Either way, she didn't trust the pretty boy and she didn't want to turn her back on him.

Bruce didn't look at her as he said, "Why are you so certain Batman won't come for me?" He seemed amused.

She shrugged her shoulders and pursed her red lips together. "He probably will. But it ain't like he knows where you are. We have time on our side. Plus Bats isn't the brightest tool in the shed." She pointed to her temple with a silly smile.

"The brightest tool in the shed, huh?" He chuckled.

"What's so funny?" Her voice raised in pitch, almost too shrill, and Bruce cringed.

"It's the _sharpest_ tool in the shed."

Harley rolled her eyes and said, "Yeah, right. Most of the tools in the shed aren't even sharp. Hammers, wrenches…" Bruce decided not to argue with her. While Quinn had a very high intellect when it came to her patients in Arkham, she'd degressed back to a child once the Joker sunk his claws into her. Sometimes he wondered if her ditziness was an act. After all, the Joker didn't like to feel inferior. Bruce knew that all too well.

"What happened to you, Harleen?" He knew he shouldn't have called her that.

"Don't fucking call me that," She hissed as she walked towards him. Both of the clowns in the room watched with wide eyes. Not many things set Harley off, but her old name was definitely one of her triggers. Lifting her red and white baseball bat over her head, she swung it down, giving Bruce no time to prepare before it slammed into his stomach. He coughed loudly and his body lurched forward, caving in over his abdomen. Wiping the hair from her forehead, she sniffed haughtily and trotted after her boyfriend.

In the connecting room, Joker was busy tossing various objects over his shoulders as he scrounged through the hideout. He wasn't sure where to start. There was always a good old fashioned crowbar, but… That seemed so overused after the Black Dahlia Robin. Heh. Funny. When he heard Harley stomping into the room, blabbering about something, his shoulders shot up to his ears in irritation. "— hear what he _said to me?!_ Agh!"

Joker closed his eyes and breathed in slowly through his nose. Putting on his most concerned face, he turned to her and pouted. "Aw, baby, what did big, bad Brucey do to you?"

"He's bein' a condescending _prick,_ that's what he's doin'!"

"I'm gonna need more specifics than that, baby," He told her dryly, turning back to his scavenger hunt.

"First, he insulted my intelligence and _then_ he called me Harleen." Joker's long, green eyebrow raised on his forehead. That was curious. It seemed a little too personal for him. Only the Bat called her Harleen… And occasionally the Joker, when he really wanted to piss Harley off.

Which was most of the time.

"A little cocky, ain't he? As if he knows you… Knew you." He wasn't paying too much attention to _her_ but he was intrigued by their captive. He must be close to Batman if he was acting that familiar with the Gotham Rogues.

"I hit him with my bat."

Joker grinned. "Thatta girl. Go keep yourself busy, pumpkin. Daddy's about to get to work." With that, he lifted a handful of custom purple and green darts.

 _ **Hi guys! Thanks for the reviews I've gotten so far; I'm having a lot of fun writing this story. My hope is that you guys have as much fun reading it!**_


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